Life has felt strange lately. But before I get into that I want to thank God. Thank you lord for another day to be great. Thank you for my family, my home, my children, my job, my health, the food you provide, and all the doors you are opening AND CLOSING. Thank you for the good times and the bad times… the chaos and the silence… for laughter and for tears and the human right to feel my emotions and the choice to grow! Yes, the choice to grow because growth is a choice. It’s a moment of reflection and exposure and boy do those moments hurt sometimes but maaan oh man are they so rewarding! Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice! Now let’s get into ittt!
Back to what I was saying. Life has felt so strange lately. Not necessarily in a bad way but also…. Not necessarily in good way either. Just…. different.
It is almost as if something in me knows that the life I have been living, the things I have been accepting, and maybe even some of the things I have been holding onto, are number 1 holding me back from becoming and leading the life god has call me to lead. But also, that all of those things can’t all come with into to this next chapter of my life.
I’ve been feeling heavily that change is needed. A change of heart, mind, perspective, understanding, and maybe even my surroundings.
And if I am being completely transparent… that scares me. It scares me because I feel that the past 5 or so years have been filled with a tremendous amount of change. Change that sadly has not felt very fulfilling for me.
And there is something terrifying about taking the first step towards change when you don’t fully know where the staircase leads. There is comfort in familiarity, even when that familiarity no longer feels right. Sometimes we stay simple because we know how to survive there. Sometimes we remain in that place of survival because, as tiring as it be to constantly feel unsafe and unsecure—it somehow feels safer and more secure than stepping outside of that comfort zone and into the unknown.
Sometimes I think a person can become so used to surviving that survival starts to feel like security.
We know how to function there… oh so we think. Because what is functioning when you mind is constantly racing and your heart wants to jump out of your chest every moment of the day. But yet we tell ourselves we are safe in survival because we know how to protect ourselves and know what to expect. Because even when it drains us it’s still “familiar”. And I write it that way because isn’t it interesting how we can feel familiar while things never actually stay the same?
That’s the strange thing about survival mode.
We convince ourselves that staying where we are somehow protects us from the uncertainty of change, but even there, things are constantly changing that we are uncertain about. The chaos takes a different shape. And every single time, we find ourselves figuring out some new way to survive it.
Hmmm maybe I am not afraid of change itself just afraid of choosing it. Because the truth is change is going to have regardless of if we take that first step or not.
And life certainly does not ask us if we are ready for that shift.
Seasons end. People change. Plans fail. Doors close. New ones open. New dreams are born. And the things we once thought would last forever suddenly become things we have to learn how to release.
Change is literally inevitable.
I think the only thing we get to decide is whether we recognize when it’s time to move—or whether life will have to move us.
And I think that is where self-reflection becomes super important.
Sometimes you have to sit with yourself and come to the realization that something isn’t working anymore. You have to be able to look at your life without excuses, without pretending, without trying to make something fit simply because you have already invested so much into it.
Because when something is no longer aligned with where you’re supposed to be going, eventually it will shift.
Maybe gently.
Maybe loudly.
Maybe through a door opening.
Or maybe through everything literally falling apart all at once.
I think I am realizing…. I would much rather recognize the signs and start preparing myself than have life drag me by my hair a I kick and scream into a season I likely already knew was coming.
And no… that does not mean choosing change make it easy. It doesn’t mean there won’t be fear. And it doesn’t mean there won’t be moments where I question myself, cry, second-guess my entire existence, or wonder if I should just go back to what was comfortable.
But maybe those are the very moments when my faith has the opportunity to become something deeper than just words.
Maybe those are the moments I need to learn what it really means to walk by faith.
To let God do his big one and show me what he has in store instead of needing him to explain every step before I take it. To trust in his direction even when I can’t see where the road ends. To become quite enough to hear his whispers and still enough to recognize the soft ways he reminds me that I am not walking through any of this alone.
Maybe this season is the opportunity to let God be my father.
And you know… now that I really think about it. There is something so beautiful about how a child trusts a parent. As children, we don’t spend our days wondering how the bills will get paid, whether there will be food tomorrow, or if everything is going according to plan. I know some of us may have grown up to have those worries as kids, but I mean as little little kids under the age of 5 years old. Those things likely were never a thought. We simply trusted that the person taking care of us know what they are doing.
And the funny thing is, as an adult and a parent myself, I now know that our parents didn’t always know the things we expected them to know.
Sometimes they were scared too.
Sometimes they were figuring it out for the first time.
But God is different man.
He is not confused about where is taking us. He is not nervous about what happens next. He doesn’t need a “backup” plan.
And maybe my responsibility in this season isn’t to understand every detail of what is to come next.
Maybe it’s simply to take his hand.
I don’t know exactly what this next season of my life will look like, but I know something in me is changing.
And for once, instead of fighting that feeling, I want to follow it.
Scared, uncertain, probably questioning myself along the way—but still moving.
Because maybe faith isn’t knowing where I am going. Maybe faith is knowing who I’m walking with.
And THAT should be enough for me to take the next step.
